How's my hook?

[Jay Miller]

This is the beginning of my new Mystery/Suspense Thriller. I think it starts out with plenty of excitement that will grab the reader and hold on. Are there any suggestions? This is a full novel and part one will be published in Out of the Box magazine's first edition in the Jan-Feb 2008 issue.
“The Maul Pen”
My eyes spring open. I see what I know will be there. Fangs! Slobber dripping from clinched jaws as if rabid. Upper lips raised. Snarling! Sounds of hideous growling. Eyes sneering at me through slanted beady fiery red holes. I recognize them. My own private hell is back again.
There are two wolves. One on each side of me. Each sink their fangs into my ribs. I feel my breastbone stretch as they tug at it. Suddenly my chest cavity rips open but there is no pain. I watch their fiery eyes closely now. Each one staring down at my bloody opening as if to select the best part. Their paws dig deep inside of me. One glances into my eyes, checking to see if I am still alive. Then his mighty jaws return to gnaw at my insides. “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”
Copyright 2007
Jay Miller

[Andielle]

WOW!!!

This has such a mythological feel to it. Great opening, positively suspenseful.

My 2 cents . . . keep it as it is.

This is great, doggies chewing on a human( I'm hoping; but that's just the storyteller of fantasy in me), painless maul . . . I would really like to see how this grows.

Please, feel free to email me!

-May you stay safe and protected
Andielle

[Jaci Gwyn]

Wow! This opening certainly is startling and quite horrifying. But as the reader I am worried. Is the protagonist of this story dying before I get a chance to know him? As a reader the more I know about the character the more I care what happens to him.
Of course, I know that this opening is just a fragment of the full novel, but it raised a doubt in my mind. I did wonder if the entity who was being torn apart was in fact an animal. My word! This has started so many questions in my head!

[Jay Miller]

Hi Andielle,
Actually the character reference comes up shortly after the opening. I did not quite get there in what was posted here.
Basically what is happening is Jeff is an alcoholic that went into the hospital to be detoxed.Before that took place he required open heart surgery. It is the fact that he was extremely intoxicated when he was admitted, and being mixed with the morphine they give him while he is there, causes him to start hallucinating. The major part of the story is about the nightmares, some horrific and some outright funny that he encounters.
He has created his own hell so to speak. In reality it is quite true that some people actually do hallucinate these type dreams, and they are very real to them. Hell's pit has no bottom. Satan will encourage you to go far enough that you cannot return. As you will read further along into the book, Jeff manages to crawl out of his pit. But only after he has defeated satan in person and then has God save him from himself.
The book is meant to be page to page excitement and pulse binding. I think I have delivered it here.
In essense, anyone who drinks or uses alcohol will think twice before this happens to them. It is meant to literally scare hell out of the reader. I think that happens because there have been many times when I have had to get away from it myself. This book is not for a lot of people. Yet it is for a lot of people.
I feel like I have the Lords blessing on this book, and I have not held back anything of which I have researched except the sex part of it. I have slanted those parts to be either funny, perverted, or PG 13 as far as vulgarity. There is no porn which you would find in most books of this nature. That is not the audience I wish to reach.
In reality, I prefer in writing adorable children's books to this crap, but it is one that I was meant to write. I wish I could say how many times I started this, only to tear it up and say I can't do it. This is not what I want to write. But for every time I've been drawn away, I have been drawn back to it. So finally I said I'm doing it. Everything in this book is being told exactly as warped minds live it. The best part being is that it can be overcome. Satan can be defeated
God Rules in my life. What more can I say except what you have read so far is only a small portion of what Jeff goes through. When its all said and done. He turns out to be a pretty nice person. Who would have ever thunk it? I hope you will keep an open mind and read the story. I promise you wont fall asleep.(PS: I know about thunk... I just preferred to use it here. Ha Ha Ha...)
Again thank you for your review. It is always appreciated when someone takes the time to read your work.. I feel more confident now that this book will deliver my message.
Your Friend
Jay

[Andielle]

Hey Jay,

This book sounds great and the message can be used by many! I love stories outside of the story and it sounds like you have a good stable of those. The fact that you are working backwards (rock bottom to God's grace) is another biggie. l like that you kept the sex cut back so the true message can continue to stay on track.

Based on what you've shared I can tell that people will be hooked from beginning to end, especially if the transitions in and out of the dreams (shape shifting) are as smooth as what you've shared. When God has placed a story in your heart it is a wise man who listens and it sounds as if you are staying true to the creed of God's scribes and letting the story flow through you no matter what. God has a purpose for this since He gave it to you!

One more thing before I get off the board . . . I still remember watching a film in high school about not using drugs- even the soundtrack lead "What's love got to do with it." by Tina Turner.

-May you stay safe and protected
Andielle

[Jay Miller]

Amen! God bless you for this uplifting review.
Your Friend
Jay

[Jay Saunders]

I was reluctant to make a comment; given the comments you have received to date… But in my humble opinion, while the hook appears good; it requires work – both in the text above and in your back story.

I don’t mean to be unhelpfully critical, all my points are there to polish what you have – which invokes imagery and emotion. It simply needs work to make it deliver the impact you wish it to.

As examples:

Grammatically (or is that tautologically?): ‘I see what I already know will be there.’ does not scan. It reads better without the ‘already’.

Imagery: ‘Eyes sneering at me through slanted beady fiery red holes. I recognize them. My own private hell is back again. There are two. One on each side of me. Each sink their fangs into my ribs.’ Being a pedant, a full colon is required after ‘two’. That aside, take this image: Can there be an eye either side of you? Yep, if there are two creatures. Or do you mean that your view is filled with two eyes – meaning that the creature is right in front of you? But for it then to ‘sink into your ribs’ distorts the physique of the creature, else if has a large and distorted jaw.

Onomatopoeic tautology: ‘He growls. “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”’ I think that we know what a growl sounds like.

Back story: In you later reply you state ‘Basically what is happening is Jeff is an alcoholic that went into the hospital to be detoxed.Before that took place he required open heart surgery. It is the fact that he was extremely intoxicated when he was admitted, and being mixed with the morphine they give him while he is there, causes him to start hallucinating.’ You need to be careful with this – while I know we should willingly suspend disbelief, do you really think that a reader will accept that a patient will be given a general anaesthetic, or heavy analgesia while heavily intoxicated? If they did, he would have to be placed on the waiting list for a liver transplant.

Again, please don’t think that I am being unhelpful – I simply wish to assist you on your journey to be the writer you wish to be.

Regards

Jay

[Andielle]

Yes, polish is needed and certain details looked over twice; that's what writers do after receiving & telling a story . . . rewrite until the book is printed and even afterward if possible.

But the opening is an attention getter . . . its powerful, its a hook.

The message of the overall story - one fighting his way through a series of events to overcome Lucifer and sit warmly in God's arms- is always needed.

-May you stay safe and protected
Andielle

[Jay Miller]

Thanks Andielle,
I appreciate your help.

Stay in the light!
Jay

[Jay Miller]

Thanks Jay. I have made a couple of the changes you suggested. "almost" is gone now. I am still uncertain about the full colon after the sentence, "There are two wolves." (I added the word wolves for clarity.) If it still needs a full colon, could you show me what one looks like? (I am lacking in a lot of necessary skills. I'm not to old to learn, I just don't have the time left to spend learning properly.) I have removed the text, "He Growls..." rather than the "GRRRRRRrrrrrr...GRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!."
I like it better like that.
I am forwarding your suggestions to my editor for his review as well. Thank you for your assistance. It is most appreciated.
Another Jay

[Jay Saunders]

Other Jay,

I hope that I have helped in some small way.

If you have inserted the word 'wolves' then I would use a semi colon and tweak to read 'There are two wolves; one either side of me.' The reason that I would change it that way, it to keep the image flowing so that there isn't the sitcatto sence that would come from a full stop.

Hope this is of use.

This Jay

[Paul H. Kogel]

This sure is a gripping beginning. I’m not sure of the Grrrr… part though. Might be a bid to telling. I think it could be better done with more descriptive wording. Just my opinion. Also in this part:

God bless

Paul H. Kogel

Eyes sneering at me through slanted beady fiery red holes.

Some punctuations are missing I think, like so:

Eyes sneering at me through slanted, beady, fiery-red holes.

Also this is an incomplete sentence though it does carry very well to me the way it is.

Just some thoughts – good luck – it’s a really good start.

[Jay Miller]

Thanks Paul. I appreciate your help. I will notify my editor to make these corrections. The first publication should come out in Jan 08.
Have a great week.
Jay